Do you ever feel… worthless? Like you don’t have a voice? I do.
When I was in high school, I wrote poetry. Lots of it. A few things were even published in some online collections. I didn’t do it to be famous or anything crazy like that but just because the words and emotions flowed out of me. They had to go on paper.
I mean, I once wrote a poem about rice. Yeah, rice.
There were sad poems, happy poems, silly poems, poems that rhymed, poems that didn’t. Poems about my horses, poems about my boyfriend, poems about my dreams. Just whatever my little heart put out.
And then something happened my senior year that completely broke me. I’ll save the full story for another post, but it was huge spiritual damage from the church I had attended my entire life. It took me far from myself, and my home, as I felt so unworthy. Not good enough for anything. The words stopped. The poems stopped. I couldn’t even write two lines.
It took me almost 5 years to find myself again. And when I did I was married to a man I was crazy about. And the words came back. I wrote dozens of poems. About him, about us, about life.
Unfortunately that marriage ended. After 3 years of fighting for it, it ended when my sister happened to be in the right (or wrong?) place at the right time and discovered her that he was seeing someone else. (Yeah, like actively dating some other woman. While we were married.) I was shattered. I don’t think I ate anything for 3 days. And the words stopped. I tried to write about my pain but it was no good. Again, I was worthless. Not good enough. My light went out.
Unfortunately, tragedy struck again. Because of something I shared online, some very vindictive people in my husbands life (I don’t think I’m legally allowed to share the full story), who had been stalking my page, came after me. There were false CPS allegations, court dates, mandatory counseling and all kinds of nonsense. All this right after I found out we were pregnant. And all because I chose to share a piece of my story, a piece of myself, with others as encouragement. I think my heart gave up completely on humanity at the point. The words came to a screeching halt.
That was almost 3 years ago. Life has improved. I now have a beautiful daughter, who is the light of my world. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. My life is pretty organized and I’m surrounded by a simple life that brings me joy. But the words still haven’t come back. I’ve typed up so many Facebook statuses, so many blog posts, only to erase them all. Either they lack emotion, are choppy and fragmented (because I can’t get out of my head) or I fear sharing again – just in case some nut job wants to try to wreck my life again. They are just never good enough to be shared.
But I have so many words. So many things I want to share. But they get stuck. I still feel unworthy. I’m that high school girl being told I’m a failure. I’m that young wife learning the hard way that my husband doesn’t want me anymore. I’m that pregnant, hormonal woman being charged with lies just for trying to encourage and help others. What good can my words do for anyone?
The reality is that I have big hopes for this blog. I hope to reach lives. I hope to encourage others, especially young moms and those looking to make a difference in this world. I want my story to lift others up, to give them a push to keep going. That no matter what happens, it can all be ok. Maybe what has happened to me isn’t as “big” as what has happened to someone else, but I know for some people, my words can make a difference.
I don’t know how many people will read this. I don’t know if anyone at all will read this. But I’m hoping that by putting it out there, into the world, that maybe the rest of the healing will come. Maybe soon, my words, thoughts, poems and inspiration will come back to me. I have so many things I want to say. So many thoughts and experiences to share. And I want so bad for my words to make their mark, to make this world a better place.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. Thank you for listening to my heart. These are probably the most raw words I have put online in 3 years. Hopefully they are the start to a new me. A more confident me. Hopefully the words will once again flow strong.
Until we meet again…